A shot in the dark

One from within. One from without.

When I began this blog is was turning into a very long diatribe of “poor me – covid screwed me big time’.  Yeah, well, so did it a lot of us, yeh?  MY story is not unique.   

But, I’m not gonna lie.  For awhile there I was scared. 

Scared, that I had lost my passion for making music.  Weeks would go by without touching my guitar.  The sporadic online shows were preceded by nerves that would diminish as the comments came in and I found my footing in the music.  I would spend the entire time trying to read the comments and interact with you only to realize that online interaction is illusive… and frustrating.  When at last I hit “FINISH” the screen would go dark and eventually so would the music until the next awkward attempt.

The looming anniversary of the world shutting down made me stop and consider: if this is the new normal (online shows) I need to get back on that horse – even if it is a merry-go-round – and figure out what happened to the music and how do I fix it.

Which is why, on Feb 17^th, I made the decision to challenge myself to perform daily shows to prove I could still summon that passion thru the passionless online wasteland that - duh! - is populated by human beings.  Each day it got a little easier to get excited about playing and each evening I felt the complacency fall away, the apprehension fade and the passion to perform grow brighter.  Those 28 days of pop-up shows turned everything around for me – mainly, because of you, showing up everyday right along with me as we cheered each other on.

You see, it turns out that my passion is not just music but performing music - for an audience who is there to be passionate with me. To sing, hum, clap along and share in the joy that is music and song because ultimately that is what music is for – to be shared.

I’ve had my first vaccine shot and expect to be fully vaccinated by the end of April.  That one little shot in the arm has eased my mind and allowed me to feel safe in knowing that I can perform wherever, whenever for whomever without fear.

But the real ‘shot in the arm’ was you.

 Hello My Auld Fine Folks,

 This is it – my last post for the year…and what a year!

But I don’t have to tell you that.  We each got thru this year in our own way, navigating the ups and downs and back and forth. And, not all of us made it to the end, for which I share in your sorrow.  

 Today we are on the cusp of that moment where the past and the future come together and this I promise…

 

Today I will remember. 

I will remember your courage and your strength.
I will remember your laughter and your comfort.
I will remember you.

 

Tomorrow I will believe.

I will believe in our joy and compassion.
I will believe in dreams and desires.
I will believe in us.

 

Tonight, at midnight, I will throw our front door wide and release the detritus of the old year to make room for the fresh, new year and all it’s promise.

See you in the new year.

~Lojo

What I did when there was nothing to do...

I’ve had “no gig” weekends before but this one takes the proverbial cake! (…mmmm, cake…) So, what have I been up to, lo these many weeks?


Well, with plenty of time on my hands (due to the cancellation of my live gigs, the loss of my private music instruction business and leaving my part-time job working in a grocery store because I was too chicken-shit to remain essential) I’ve been doing, creating, discovering, pulling my hair out, eating my way thru the refrigerator, forgetting to put on pants (that last one’s not true…I never actually forgot…) and doing my darndest to do anything but twiddle my thumbs. So, in case you are the curious type (and, since you’re reading this blog we’ll assume you are) I thought I’d show and tell;
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“How I’m Spending My Pandemic Vacation” by Lojo Russo, Grade umpteen


If there is one thing this “this” has taught me (and believe you me, there’s a LOT this “this” has taught me) it is that time is a relevant…oops, I mean, irrelevant. Sometime after midnight the evening of March 14 I ceased needing a calendar let alone a watch. It took me a couple weeks to figure it out who and what I was to become. The first 2 weeks were spent in a bewildered state of “what now?” and a constant panic of “what next?” However, I soon found my footing. Then I found my shoes and gained some traction.


My go-to-fall-back position was, of course, the Honey-Do list - I leaned on that to stabilize my world and give Time a place to hang out - oh, and we did a shit-ton of puzzles. Then I remembered [dunh, dunh, duhhhn!] The Internet!


March 12th BC (BEFORE CORONA):
Private music instructor teaching guitar, ukulele and mandolin to more than a dozen children and adults.


March 26 th AC (AFTER CORONA):
Online Music Instructor providing my students with personalized instructional PDFs and Videos to help them continue their lessons. It was and remains a head-trip figuring out how to put what I teach with my heart and my hands and turn it into fonts and frames but I’m learning a lot about what and how I’m teaching them.


March 14 th BC:
Full-time performing singer/songwriter playing live performances in front of hundreds of adoring fans.


March 27 th AC:
Online Talent providing an “Almost Live” musical experience to thousands of adoring fans. And, it felt…weird… but good. It felt good to be able to express my music publicly - even if the public was an internet based social gathering/sharing site. I’ve done a few shows now and even one “socially distanced” live show and it’s getting easier to be myself within a forum that keeps me distant from the people and the feelings (yours and mine) that make performing, well, performing. For me, playing a show to an actual live audience is at the heart of being a performer. It was and remains a head-trip trying to express my heart and soul without you… but I am learning.
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I've missed some opportunities that I may never get again (like playing a festival in Texas that had Joan Jett and Collective Soul as headliners) and I've learned some things that I'll never forget (like remembering to comb my hair before a "live" feed) but the thing I miss most is You.  Being able to see you (in person), visit you, hug you - all those things that we used to take for granted are now, literally, in a virtual stasis.  I know it won't last forever but I am curious as to what our new normal will look like.

Eventually this “vacation” will end but until it does I’m going to continue to socially distance, wear a mask in public spaces, wash my hands for 20 seconds, finish my Honey-Do list and use my time to explore, enrich and expand who and what I am.


Oh, and finish a shit-ton of puzzles.

Love Virtually

How are you?  Holding up ok?  I hope you are being safe and respectful and finding joy in unexpected places. 

I’m holding up well enough.  The wife and the cats appreciate the broadened quality time with me and I them. The time is being filled with a seemingly endless honey-do list and I’ve gads of time to work on my music.  Between the house-work and the mouse-work I’ve been able to occupy my time…time…time...

Time – it is a unique concept these days.  For myself - and so many of you, I’m sure - this concept of “time” has been a new experience.  Not just for the fact that most of us are living thru our generations’ first - and hopefully, only – pandemic but for how it has begun to shape our everyday.  Routines are smashed or repurposed (I’ve stopped watching cable/national news and have subscribed to just about every standalone network that includes British TV) while we wait.   

We are all waiting for the day we can safely reconnect/touch/embrace our loved ones, get back to our jobs, return to something akin to normal (whatever that may look like in the future).  Until then, we are finding ways to occupy our time; games with the family, exploring new interests and hobbies, video conference family gatherings and happy hours, learning how to be a performing musician with nowhere to perform.

The implications of this new reality have sent shock-waves thru my foundation.  The thing is… it never occurred to me that, long as I was physically capable, I wouldn’t earn a living performing music.  Music is transcendent, right?  It goes anywhere and everywhere. It is mutable, viable, transferable.  At its minimum - where there’s a sidewalk full of people there’s an opportunity to open my case, play a few songs and make a few bucks in tips.  What happens when the sidewalks are empty? The venues are closed? And standing on the corner trying to gather a crowd is an arrestable offense?  So, I’m learning how to share myself by myself. 

Most of my life has been shaped by performing in front of crowds - sharing in the connection, the back and forth of the emotional energy that is part of the live music experience.  Its a big part of why one becomes a performing artist and the

concept of not having that connection has been difficult for me to accept.  We may live in a digital age but I’m from an analog world where the live experience has always been a visceral and tangible part of the music.

I gotta say… it’s a little freaky playing to a 4x6 inch screen while reminding myself that you’re all out there on the other side of it – alive, involved, listening.  I’ve been learning to trust in the connection of scrolling comments and floating emoji’s as I shuffle my way thru a set of music willing myself to make those virtual connections a synergetic reality.  (and trying not to focus too much on why I didn’t bother to comb my hair before I hit “RECORD”.)  With you, I’m learning to accept this new reality and 'virtually' sharing myself with you all gets easier with each time I start a video session.

You, my Fine Folk, are the reason for what I do and why I do it, so…

Thank you for continuing to listen.

Thank you for your comments, your floating hearts, your waving hands.

Thank you for filling my virtual tip jar.

Thank you for sharing your time with me.

Hair.

It’s the thing that makes one unique - sets one apart from the rest.  It can be defining, refining, confining.  As a performer my image is almost as important to me as my talent and for over 20 years my hair has been a part of that image – “Blue”.  From the day I coloured my entire head in a rich royal indigo that “blue” has been a part of my musical-self-identity.  The two things that set me apart aesthetically, as a musician, was my unique name and my shock of blue hair.

Over the last few months many people have said, “Oh, I didn’t recognize you with your hat on.”  They were looking for the “blue”.

I’ve been playing my shows wearing a “warrior scarf” since I started losing my hair back in July.  The whole time I was self-conscious about the scarf.  I felt as if people were focusing more on “why is she wearing a scarf?”  instead of, “wow, that is a great song”.  Maybe I thought this because for the first time I was more concerned about what I looked like then what I sounded like.  I know it messed with my confidence as a performer.  Did it show in my playing, my singing?  Truthfully, I was probably more conscious of the scarf than anyone else and anxiously awaited my hair’s return.

I told myself that if my hair didn’t grow back properly that I would keep my head shaved and perform sans cheveux - that I would wear my clean pate proudly!  I never got to challenge myself with that bold decision because my hair is growing back – properly.

On Feb 8^th I played my first show without my “warrior scarf”.  And, it was exhilarating!  I hadn’t realized until that moment just what a difference it made to not have my head bound.  I could feel a difference.  I was no longer conscious of anything but my music.

That night I played my heart out – despite having to sing thru a head cold.  I showed off my new hair and smiled to myself when someone would comment on my new “hairstyle”.  I could’ve played my set without comment, but it seemed too momentous an occasion – at least for me - to let it go without some acknowledgement.

So, I pointed out to the audience the bracelet that I’ve worn since losing my friend Michael to cancer and that I continue to wear in recognition of my own and others’ struggle with this messed up disease.  (The bracelet says simply, Fuck Cancer.)  Then I played, Echoes in the Bone.  After my set the audience no longer discussed my “hairstyle” – instead we sympathized and celebrated.

Oh, and last Saturday I tried putting blue in my hair for the first time.  It’s good to be back.

2018 – The year that was…

No doubt some of us have spent some part of this day pondering over the events of the last 364 and some of us may wish to keep the past in the past and look only to the future.

I have done a bit of both.  I have considered this past year and all that it has wrought – in music, in health, in friendships both new and long cherished and in the passing and blessing of life.  And I peer squinting into the future hoping to coax out what patterns and dreams and wishes it may yet bear.

However you wish to deliberate or contemplate this turning of the calendar year my wish for you would be to smile on yesterday, believe in the promise of tomorrow and thoroughly embrace all the moments in between!

(Sorry, East Coast - just missed your New Year)

Treatment #6, Week #17 …What a ride!

November 9^th was my last day of chemo. 

These few days are the last time I’ll go thru the BCP. 

Today I will feel better… every day… for good.

Right to the very end I encountered bombshell after disbelief after revelation.  And, through it all you were there… and you were there… and you were there… 

For this final week and this final treatment I was treated to a wonderful round of love and surprises.  My great friends, Adam and Betsy came down to celebrate the occasion with Susan and me.  When we got home there was a surprise party waiting for me complete with more friends, tie-dyed balloons and peace sign cookies followed by a smaller after-party at our home where Adam and I played music for our friends until I couldn’t play anymore (which was, admittedly, a lot sooner than I would’ve preferred).  Being surrounded by the love and laughter of my wife, friends and family - both here and in spirit - and sharing music was just the right way to put a bow on this whole package. 

The rest of the wrapping, if you will, is all of you who’ve written, hugged, sent thoughts and prayers and have been at and on my side throughout this process.  I’ve been embraced by strangers who wished me well and shared fortunes with fellow warriors.  I’ve discovered strength within and have learned to accept strength from without with humility and grace.  Words will never be able to express how grateful I am to all of you for everything.

In case you were wondering I plan to continue writing these blogs and am looking forward to them being decidedly more music centric.  Of course, there will be a brief health update when I reach my 2-year and 5-year marks.  Until then, expect lots of music, news and musings coming down the pike – like, finally being able to finish the new album with no more distractions.  I hope you’ll continue to ride along with me on this journey!

Week #16 – Treat or Treat!

Here we are…November.  And, do you know what that means?  NO MORE HALLOWEEN FUN! 
Ah, but what fun we had, yeh?

I was waffling about what my costume would be; scary and hairless, hairy and scare-less.  (I do so enjoy scaring the kiddies.)  At the last minute I came up with this:  Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Greeter.

At our house we get a couple kids every 45 minutes and most of the time it's our friends bringing over their kids. 

Thanks to our friends Tracy and Molly I actually had kids to scare.   Molly and Tracy’s neighborhood was an endless stream of kids so I got to see all the great costumes, hand out candy and even scared a few of them!  Ah, the joys of a good fright!!

So, that was Wednesday.  On Thursday I had my usual gig at Grumpy’s.  It’s always fun to play that venue and I have a nice little crowd that comes out for the shows.  Since it was All Soul's Night I felt justified in singing a few more Halloween songs [cheesy grin].  On Friday I played in LeClaire (home of the American Pickers) to a packed house.  So much so that, some friends who came out to see me couldn’t get a seat.  If they’d only waited until the end of the night because, just about 15 minutes before the end of my show the place became virtually empty except for a couple at the bar and the staff.

Between songs the guy at the bar said to me, “Play Stairway to Heaven”, so I did.  Well, not quite.  I played the opening stanza then stopped abruptly and told him jokingly, “That’s all you get for free”.  He looked at his wife and said, “Give her a hundred bucks”.  “Well, here’s a guy who knows how to request a song!” I responded…still jokingly.  Then his wife put a hundred dollar bill in my tip jar.  Needless to say, I played whatever the hell they wanted for the next 15 minutes. 

I spent Saturday pretty much laying on the couch all day.  Shows are starting to tire me out more than usual and I’m not bouncing back the next day like I used to.  But, all that’s about to change…this Friday, November 9^th, is my last scheduled chemo treatment!!  So this week I plan to do whatever it takes to make sure my numbers are where they need to be so I can get my final infusion and be done with all this rigmarole!

My chemo treat for last week was a treat in and of itself; Banoffee Pie! 
Susan and I had it when we were in Ireland and have wanted to try making it at home.  Our first time out wasn’t a total success but it was still good.   The traditional method of making the toffee is to boil an unopen can of condensed milk for 3 hours.  I didn't want to wait 3 hours... nor did I want to take the chance of having to clean up a condensed milk explosion.

Guess we’ll just have to keep trying till we get it right ;) 

Week #15 – I was working in the lab…

Last week was an INCREDIBLE week! 

First and foremost, the Wife and I celebrated our 4^th year of marriage (14 yrs together) with fruit, flowers and a night out - dinner with friends and a Bruce Cockburn concert at the Englert.  (For once I was in Iowa City for something other than a chemo treatment.)

A bunch of us went to see Halloween: 40 Years Later.  Yep, totally worth it!

Saturday was crazy beautiful outsid

e so I took advantage of wandering around our little Village after surreptitiously excusing myself from my friends watching the Iowa game at our local pub (love you guys but, really, not a big fan of sport, but they know that.)

Funny story… A guy at the bar looked at me and said, “You ride?”  I chuckled to myself and let him know why I was wearing the bandana.  He was apologetic and offered to buy my drink. (I was drinking water ;)

Later that same night I was in the bar restroom when I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror; black square-tip boots, bell-bottoms, Carhart jean-jacket with the collar turned up, scarf printed with skulls around my neck and a Grateful Dead bandana on my head. Sure as shit – I looked like I “ride”.  Next time I’m going to say, “Yeah, I ride…  Schwinn…3 speed”.

My co-producer has been doing a great job putting together all the pieces for the new album.  The songs are mostly mixed and in order.  We’re sifting thru patter and extemporaneous musings to see what stays and what’s just not as funny as we thought it was that night.  He even sent me the new ring-tone file – woot!

The Wife and I were doing a little mid-century shopping at one of our favorites – Riverbend Retro – and found a new set of groovy cups for our nightly “cuppa”. 

So, yeah, last week was pretty incredible for a lot of reasons. Each day, I hear from friends or meet people who tell me they’re rooting for me.  Each day I try to look for the joy in the simple things. That’s my chemo treat for last week – reminding myself just how amazing my Wife, my friends and my fans have been thru it all and just how lucky I am - extremely, extraordinarily, incredibly lucky.

Week 14 – treatment #5!! Amok, amok, amok!

Five down, ONE to go!

Last week I had to move my treatment from Monday to Thursday because my neutrophil numbers weren’t high enough… again.  But, by Wednesday they were better than good and…BONUS! my CA-125 was TWENTY-NINE which means I’m below the normal level.  This is the kind of good news I really need right now. 

As we’re coming down to the wire and counting down the days I am currently willing my fingertips to stop buzzing and tingling and feeling numb – all at the same time.  Yes, I’m more than just a little freaked but I’m keeping a positive attitude that this too shall pass.  (My toes, on the other hand, are fully engulfed in the chemo-induced neuropathy. boo…)

So, to pass the time and keep my mind off the changes going on with my peripherals I’ve been keeping busy.  I continue working on the new album – mostly some final editing and such.  Last Friday The Wife and I and a few friends went to see the movie, Halloween – 40 Years Later. That Jamie Lee Curtis is a badass!  On Saturday there was a party at a lake house in Lake St Louis, MO for my sister-in-law’s 50^th birthday.  It was beautiful weather all weekend and we certainly made the most of it.  Yesterday was spent on mousework and housework.  (Mousework: That which is done on the computer - I also have a part-time job at a local magazine finding and writing content. Housework: Okay, do you really need me to mansplain housework?)  Today I’m writing this blog while “watching” Hocus Pocus.  I absolutely LOVE this movie…“on TOAST!” – partly, for the horrendous acting by the children (especially Max) and mostly for the brilliant acting by the Sanderson Sisters and Billy.

My chemo treat this week was spending time with my seestur-in-law on her 50th birthday.  (She sent me this pic a few weeks back to let me know she's "rockin' the blue" until I get my hair back.)

I have little over two weeks before my final treatment.  It’s scheduled for Friday, Nov 9^th.  

The intervening days will be spent staying busy, staying positive, striving for good numbers, making music and writing to you all.  The chemo may be lowering my CA-125 but it’s your continued thoughts and wishes that raise my spirits! 

Week 13 – I took my troubles down to Madam Rue…

Today I’m in chemo… no, wait, I would’ve been, but my neutrophil number wasn’t high enough.  No Biggie - I’m set to sit on Thursday.  The thing about nuetrophils – the only thing that can make them better is time and a bump in my protein intake.  Thursday’s treatment will be #5!! I can see the finish line from here!

In the meantime, I had a couple of shows in the lovely hamlet of Trempeleau, Wisconsin this past weekend.  If you’ve never been you should.  There’s an historic hotel that comes complete with ghosts, a lovely view of the Mississippi (and great fishing if you’re into that) a nice little winery and apple orchards galore.  This time around I played the winery and an apple farm.  Both of these venues featured perfect autumnal settings and the only thing missing was perfect autumnal weather.

The sun was shining on us Saturday at Elmaro Vineyard and a brisk breeze kept the bugs away.  (Okay, the bugs were already gone cuz it was 45 degrees out and the breeze was blowing in from the north at a steady 15-20 miles an hour.)   For all that, the patio was filled with happy campers enjoying charcuterie and Chablis. And speaking of campers - just before my last set my wonderful friend, Sue Dickey, and her faithful companion, Gertie, showed up… in an RV!

Since this was an afternoon show it gave us plenty of time to enjoy the evening together.  We headed over to the Historic Trempeleau Hotel for scrumptious walnut burgers and hot chicken pot pie.  After dinner we listened to The Box Band for a set (rootsy folk with a little Grateful Dead thrown in for good measure) then headed back to the campground to sit by the fire catching up, drinking beer (in my case, sipping beer and spilling most of it on the ground) and playing ukulele for each other.  Now, that’s what I call an evening well spent!

Sunday morning she surprised me with a trip to a local attraction, the Kinstone Circle.  Just a few minutes from Trempeleau is this amazing place filled with standing stones, “ancient” buildings and native grass and plants.  It had been raining all morning and when we got there it finally stopped raining…and started snowing.  Weather be damned we entered  Kinstone and walked in awe past impressive natural granite structures, pastoral water features and a Stonehenge-style circle of standing stones – all of it tempered with the mystique of bright, huge, wet snowflakes.  It was our first snowfall of the year – well, at least it was our first snowfall, we can’t speak for Wisconsin.

Sue headed home to MN and I headed to my show at Ecker's Apple Farm.  This is a 4^th generation farm and the apple pies are made with Gramma’s secret recipe.  The apple room smelled of hot cider and home-made ice cream.  (The ice cream must be really good cuz plenty of people were enjoying it on a day where the mercury only topped out at 37.)   I played from the loft and kept the room filled with funky folk and seasonal songs.  I left there also filled with 2 bags of Haralsons, a gallon of cider, gramma’s apple pie and warm memories of a weekend spent with a good friend.

That’s my chemo treat for the week – Sue Dickey, my “home away from home”.  Dude, thanks for being there and for the bonus treat of Kinstone!

Week 12 – Got a Devil’s Haircut in my mind…

This last week was…well, pretty normal; a couple of shows, a couple of guitar lessons, some yard work - normal.  Maybe one of the best parts about last week was the fact that October has officially begun and my shows have started to include Halloween themed songs; Anne Boleyn and the Bloody Tower, Big Red Man, Werewolves of London, I’m a Vampire,  Eat Your Brains just to name a few.

I like singing Halloween songs.  I like dressing up in costumes. I like being scared.

I’m still at a loss for what my costume will be – Telly Savalas, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Sinead O’Connor or maybe I should go the other direction – Bob Ross, Leon Russell, Cousin It.  Of course, none of these prospects are particularly scary but short of a proper costume party to attend for me the real scary stuff happens when handing out candy. 

It all started when my mom spent a Halloween hiding in a box at the front door then popping up whenever someone rang the bell.  She wasn’t even in costume but it scared the kids and a few parents, too.  Ever since I’ve had my own place I’ve enjoyed finding ways to scare trick-or-treaters.  Spooky sounds played thru a guitar amp with the reverb cranked, flashing lights, a candelabra with bloodied tapers glowing on a table and plenty of dirty, ragged cheese-cloth and spider webs.

One of my favorite experiences of handing out candy was when I lived in a house that had an enclosed porch.  I prepped the porch in the usual scary manner but this year I added a touch of flair I hadn’t tried before – I removed the small window just to the right of the porch door and covered the opening in spider webs.  Garbed in a hooded cloak, bony gloves and mask I waited for the kids to come to the door.  At the sound of the doorbell I would slowly emerge from my hiding place and approach the window (cue the lightning, thunder and howling).  With slow deliberation I pushed my hand full of candy thru the webbed portal.  The webbing obediently stretched out towards the kids in sufficient eeriness as I watched the children’s inner struggle between, “that’s really creepy and I’d like to leave now but that’s a handful of candy”.  Victory. 

Our current home doesn’t attract a lot of kids due to the sparseness of immediate neighbors coupled with living on a steep hill.  I don’t know about you but when I was a kid free candy was free candy no matter how far or how hard the trek.  But, then again, I grew up in a time that allowed for one house to offer hot apple cider and homemade popcorn balls and no one blinked an eye. 

I’ve grown lazy the last few years by this lack of sugar-inspired vigor.  In my grumpiness I haven’t had the energy to celebrate the season properly.  So, this year I’m going back into the coffers to try to entice the children to my door once again with my usual horrific élan; scary sounds, flashing lights and a portal covered in spider webs.  Wish them luck.

My chemo treat this week was enjoying my wife’s homemade stew while watching the cultish horror film, The Cabin in the Woods.  It was just the right amount of scare and camp to start the season off right!